Which Classical Composer Are You?
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D
David Hackett26. June 2023
Operas or symphonies? Post-modernist revolutionary or upholder of a sacred tradition? Neurotypical or Mad Genius?
Which classical composer are YOU?
Take our quiz and find out in 11 easy questions!
Q1: when do you write your music?
I have a set routine at my desk every day (2 points)
During the night when everyone else is asleep (1)
Only when the spirit is upon me (3)
In between emotional breakdowns and wandering the countryside in lovesick despair (20)
While partying at 2 o’clock in the morning (4)
Q2: what kind of music do you write?
Comic operas (4 points)
Very big operas (7)
Ballets with bloodthirsty themes (9)
Very difficult piano music (5)
Symphonies about my love-life (20)
Weekly cantatas (1)
Anything, so long as it has absolutely no semblance of a tonal centre (35)
String quartets and symphonies in hefty numbers (2)
Q3: and who do you write your music for?
Large-scale forces (10 points)
Small-scale forces (10)
French and Italian opera houses (5)
Rich aristocrats (3)
I am merely a vehicle for the glory of God (1)
Q4: who is likely to come knocking on the door while you’re composing?
The postman bringing unreasonable demands from my incompetent publishers (5 points)
My aristocratic employer to tell me he has just taken up the flageolet and needs a dozen sonatas for it by Sunday (1)
A larger-than life impresario who wants me to write a ground-breaking opera/ballet (7)
A beautiful countess who wants to leave her husband for me (4)
A neighbour to complain about my anti-social antics (4)
The Russian secret police (20)
Q5: and when you eventually stop for mealtimes, what do you like to eat?
Blini or blood-red beetroot soup (8 points)
A hearty helping of meat and two veg (1)
I have bad teeth and prefer soft food, like steam-cooked asparagus (10)
Coffee with whipped-cream, liverwurst sandwiches and as many cakes as I can stuff down (16)
Hard boiled eggs made into a disgusting kind of soup (3)
Roast pheasant and truffles, preferably served while on a boat in Venice (4)
I like to keep it healthy and watch my figure (2)
Q6: outside of composing, what are your hobbies?
Cooking and having recipes named after me (4 points)
Table tennis (10)
Fishing (2)
Driving motor cars at high speed down country lanes (15)
Chess (20)
Packing my phonograph and going out into the peasant villages of Hungary and Romania to record folksongs (20)
Clipping off locks of my hair to send to adoring fans (12)
I don’t have any hobbies, I’m too busy working (3)
Q7: are you a travelling or a more stay at home composer?
I like to take summer holidays in picturesque locations (3 points)
I have a dacha where I spend five months of the year (20)
It’s hard to get time off the job (1)
I’m essentially a domestic person, although I relocate whenever my job requires it (5)
I tend to move house whenever there’s a revolution/totalitarian state bearing down on me (7)
I would travel if I my employer/government allowed (2)
Q8: do you have any pets?
Dogs (6 points)
Chickens (18)
Silkworms (25)
None, but I regularly do impersonations of cats (0 points)
Q9: how’s your love life?
I seem to scare away potential partners (1 point)
Complicated. But the more complicated the better (5)
It interrupts my work (5)
I only date very wealthy types (10)
Every twenty years I marry one of my pupils (20)
Being parents to twenty kids doesn’t leave us much time for that (1)
Q10: what words best sum up your artistic legacy?
“I laid down the foundations of western music for at least 200 years.” (1 point)
“I owe it all to Malcolm Gladwell.” (2)
“There is only one of me.” (4)
“I came into music to make the ladies faint.” (2)
“I wanted to confuse the hell out of future generations”. (20)
Q11: and finally – are you religious?
Yes (3 points)
No (6I
I am already a musical deity (6)
Results:
If you scored less than 22 then reach for your wig and your Sunday cantata-writing pens: you could well be JS Bach!
22 to 32: one suspects you are the Austrian court servant who turned out string quartets and symphonies on an industrial scale - Joseph Haydn.
32 to 42: knowing you are the somewhat temperamental type, we'll wait until you've had your strong morning coffee before talking to you. Ludwig Van Beethoven.
42 to 52: can we guess? You partied hard all last night, before writing half an opera this morning while boiling an egg for breakfast? - you are Gioachino Rossini.
52 to 62: however do you concentrate on playing the piano when young ladies are always throwing their undergarments at you, Franz Liszt?
62 to 72: I see enchanted forests, love potions and mind-bogglingly huge operas - Richard Wagner we presume?
72 to 82: run for the hills, you are clearly the fire-breathing, psychedelic symphony writing maniac of early romantic music, Hector Berlioz!
82 to 92: congratulations, you are no mere composer, but rather a vehicle through which early twentieth century avant-garde ballets shall pass, Igor Stravinsky.
92 to 102: a great composer who didn't always take the best life decisions, forsaking a wonderful life in 1930s swinging Paris to go back to Russia and write some of your most famous music for a murderous, totalitarian state - you are Serge Prokofiev, no less.
102 to 112: we guess you are the not exactly life-a-minute type, with a partiality for collecting east European folksongs which you then synthesize into your terrifyingly groovy scores - Bela Bartok.
Anything over 112, and one seriously suspects you are the atonal trailblazer who changed the whole face of western music for better and for worse, the great Arnold Schoenberg!
To read more from David Hackett, go to www.musicbytheyear.com
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